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Mean Girls – same old crap with a few new wrinkles…

Why hasn’t anyone made a sequel to the movie “Mean Girls?”  To make the original and then just leave it at that, seems to imply that girl drama begins and ends with teens and pre-teens. Alas, some of the social maneuverings of our peers seem to underscore the fact that this compelling drive to establish Communal Groups (aka “cliques”) with a clearly-defined social hierarchy, may peak in middle school, but sadly, is never really outgrown. We should call our movie…

“Mean Girls: Middle-School to Middle-Aged (same old crap, with a few new wrinkles)

The first order of business is to cast the lead roles…

“The Chic-in-Charge”

This girl doesn’t require a lot of explanation. She runs the show. There is simply no other option in her world. Whether she is 6, 6th grade or 60-something, she is adept at spotting and collecting followers. She is typically charming, attractive and well-versed in the art of all things femme. She can pick a follower from a mile away and collects them like filler flowers for her bouquet; which works, as long as everyone understands that she is the Main Bloom. This lady lacks social integrity and never looks over her shoulder at her own wake of destruction. Thus, she typically chooses a mate that people refer to as, “The Nicest Guy You’ve Ever Met!”

“The Loyal Side-kick”

This gal is a bit baffling. She typically possesses all the qualities of the Chic-in-Charge. She has looks, charm, talent and intellect. She’s enigmatically the Total Package, except for the fact that she has zero desire to run the show. Who knows why? Maybe she doesn’t want the responsibility; or maybe she’s the smartest one of all; perhaps her second-in-command status has all the prestige and upside of inclusion and leadership, with none of the inherent responsibilities or social pitfalls. She is thrilled to be the less accountable (in her own estimation) counterpart to her BFF/Bestie!

“Miss Oblivious”

We all know this girl. As a child, she sat on the front row of Sunday school class; as a woman, she probably teaches it. Unlike her leaders, Chic-in-Charge and Loyal Side-kick, she actually DOES believe that the rules apply to her, which is why she goes so out of her way to be nice to everyone. She’s familiar with the concept of “turn the other cheek,” she just got confused somewhere along the way and thinks it means, “look the other direction when your friends mistreat others.”  In so doing, she exonerates herself when someone gets hurt. After all, she’s not the leader. In short, this gal really doesn’t want to be too overly-involved. She was embracing “Don’t ask/Don’t tell,” long before the United States Military.

“Miss Delighted-to-be-Invited”

You’ll find this gal a little further down the food chain. She is simply delighted to be invited to the party! She can’t whip up an appetizer fast enough to attend the event! She “goes-along to get -long” and ultimately evaluates her own self worth by the exclusivity of any group she’s blessed to be a member of. Her Social Bank Account teeters on the brink of overdrawn at all times, so she certainly can’t be expected to risk making a costly withdrawal on behalf of any cause other than her own.

That pretty much sums up the Casting Call. No offense to my gender, but, in real life, when these gals posse-up and their actions go largely unchecked, is it really any wonder that we are perpetually stuck in middle school? On a positive note, however, these transparent manifestations of Social Darwinism could supply endless material for a blockbuster sequel that would make “Lord Of The Flies” look like a civilized tea party for boys.

“Mean Girls 2”
(Auditions held daily in a life near you!)

The Followers are getting restless…

I posted my last blog entry on January 1st, the night after Matt proposed to Emilie (which was 3 days after Matt proposed to Me and Jimmy). It was a timely piece about negotiating New Year’s Resolutions with one’s spouse. A few days went by, as I busied myself assembling my “Wedding Planner’s Notebook,” flipping through Bridal Magazines and researching local vendors. Blog-wise, I was just biding my time. There was not a doubt in my mind that OUR FIRST WEDDING was going to provide post-after-endless -post of fodder for the blog. Certainly, this Ginger would be snapping left and right – then leaping into the blogosphere to rant to The Followers….

About a week later, the moment that I had been waiting for finally arrived. The family had just gotten home from church and a lovely lunch, when Jimmy said to me,

“Meet me in the office, I’ve made a few decisions about the wedding, I want to discuss with you…”

An uncomfortable silence permeated the air, as the kids made worried eye contact. They know from experience, that when Daddy says, “Lets go talk in the office,” it can’t be good…

I, however, chose to view this situation as a bad news-good news scenario. On the one hand, I definitely did not expect a positive outcome from this meeting, which I was certain was going to be an attempt on Jimmy’s part to set some budgetary constraints on OUR FIRST WEDDING. But, on a positive note – I definitely felt a blog coming on!

Setting all thoughts of the blog temporarily aside , I steeled myself for the “Talk.”  As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am a seasoned wife and no stranger to the various battlefields of a bliss-filled marriage. Strategy is essential. I immediately realized I was at a huge disadvantage having this conversation in the office. This is a “right-brain” room, filled with computers, Christmas bills awaiting payment, tax files and other detritus of “reasonable and responsible living.” Advantage Jim.

Personally, if given the option, I would’ve selected a different VENUE (check out my new wedding vocabulary) for us to have a talk concerning the wedding budget. The office, surrounded by somber reminders of reckless Christmas living (excessive celebration) and the looming April 15th tax deadline, is not going to cast Yours Truly/The Wedding Planner in the most favorable light. Surely, there are other rooms in the house where I could gain more leverage. Disadvantage Leslie.

Reluctantly, I walked into the office. He was seated, so I decided to stand, having once read that you can overpower someone psychologically if they’re seated and you loom over them. I attempted to loom. That’s when I was I was completely blindsided by a man I’ve been married to for 30 years and actually thought I knew….

These are the words Jimmy spoke:

“Emilie is such a wonderful girl. She’s done everything we’ve ever asked her to do. I’m proud of her. I want you to make this wedding nice. Let’s give her a beautiful wedding! Whatever y’all want!”

Now- people have been warning me for years that blasting rock music from my Ipod directly into my eardrums was going to seriously impair my hearing abilities one day, but What the Hell is this man saying? I eyed him suspiciously waiting for the rest….I could not have been more ill-prepared for what he said next….

Jimmy -“You can’t take it with you!”

Me- “You can’t take it with you????”

Jimmy – “yeah, you know…you can’t take it with you!”

Me- “What does that even mean? Who even are you?”

I CAN’T WORK IN THESE CONDITIONS!

To make matters even worse, I’ve been semi-abandoned by my very own Mother,  Grandma of The Bride…
When I discuss wedding plans with her, she pauses, tones down her opinions, carefully measures her words, and says weird, unacceptable things like,

Doris -“You have exquisite taste, dear, I’m sure that will be lovely”

Me – “Mom?”

No warnings about obvious pitfalls? No lectures on etiquette? She’s just going to sit there in Dallas, letting me barrel forward unchecked, wantonly selecting color palettes on my own, doing God-only-knows-what kind of irreparable damage to her granddaughter’s wedding, without her guidance?

If all that wasn’t bad enough, I have to deal with MY BRIDE…
When I email THE BRIDE pictures of dress designs and floral inspirations, she emails me right back, “Yes to the dress and Okay to the bouquet!”

I SIMPLY CAN NOT WRITE UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!!

Where’s my Brideszilla? Been hearing about those brides forever. Where’s my tightwad husband – The Businessman? Been dealing with him my whole life. For crying out loud, where the Hell is The Real Doris?

I was counting on them to frustrate this process, rain on my parade daily and give me mountains of 2015 writing material. I can’t plan a wedding and write a blog without some help from my nearest and dearest….

In the words of Miss Bonnie Raitt, “Lets give ’em something to talk about!”
(And Leslie something to blog about)

Preparing myself for “the talk”.  Inhale – exhale….

Jimmy and I built our entire relationship on the concept of “Marital Oneness,” largely because I crammed it down his throat in the early years. I probably read it on a poster somewhere along the way, but I really pushed the concept “Together We Are Stronger!” However, it occurred to me this morning, that perhaps Jimmy was a little Over-indoctrinated, when he said, all too enthusiastically,

“We need to sit down and go over OUR New Year’s Resolutions!”

I know that I’ve changed my tune a bit through the years, but I really don’t view this is as a “Couple-Thing.” There are a lot of things we are required  to do together, such as paying taxes – “Married and Filing Jointly”. But, it’s not as if we have to check a box -“Married and Resolving Jointly”…

I see this for the clever marital ploy that it is. There are obviously a few things HE wants to tweak, and feels like he needs to involve me, to ensure his own success.

I think it would be much better if we just quietly consider a few personal behaviors on our own, (as the flawed, imperfect individuals that we are) and commit to improve. Surely, NO GOOD can come from one’s spouse helping one identify ways to reform oneself.

So…I shot him my most Petulant, Put-Out, Go-To-Hell look, but he was not deterred…
Here are a few suggestions he has for 2015:

JIMMY – “WE NEED TO START EATING RIGHT”

I bet this is the #1 most popular, over-resolved resolution in the entire history of resolution-making. I bet when people started actually getting to choose what to eat, (beyond what they slaughtered or grew on their farm) they made bad food choices. Personally, I think making bad food choices is one of the only good things about being an adult. Obviously, when I was a kid, I had to eat whatever Doris put in front of us or let us have. She rarely let us have candy, but she did manage to look the other way when Dad bought it on road trips. He’d disappear inside the Filling Station and then come back out to the car and start throwing Snickers and Butterfingers into the back of the Station Wagon like he was on a Mardi Gras float. To this day, I equate sugar with fun and adventure!!

LESLIE- “Just talking about this is making me crave brownies… What else you got?”

JIMMY – “WE SHOULD CLEAN UP THE LANGUAGE AROUND HERE”

When the girls were younger, we were very careful about “choosing our words” – as the girls were “little ladies” and the boys were toddlers. (Sexist – I know) I had a list of acceptable substitute words we used in place of the Big Naughties. These were kinder, gentler words that one could slip in seamlessly to substitute for the verboten 4-letter words. Now that the girls are grown up and out of the house and the boys are teenagers, we’ve let our conduct standards slip a bit. Okay, a lot. In my defense, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are certain words that just punch up the point I’m trying to make.

LESLIE – “I’m feeling verbally and creatively stifled…let me think about that one too…what else you got?”

JIMMY – “WE NEED TO MAKE A BUDGET AND STICK TO IT”

Jimmy maintains that its not enough that I make out a budget every year, I should actually plan to adhere to it. It’s pretty lame that he is trying to insert this as a New Year’s Resolution for “US“… Jimmy literally spent $12 in 2014. Admittedly, this was up significantly from the $7 he spent in 2013, but still…I can tell he is patronizing me with this “WE” Shit…

LESLIE – “Fun fact: We lived on a budget in the 80s. Totally hated it!”

So there it is- Jimmy’s Trifecta of New Year’s Resolution Options. Clearly, HIS resolution was to ruin 2015. I’m typically pretty docile and agreeable by nature, but I’m going to have to dig my heels in here. I’m simply not committed enough to the first 2 and a little “been there-done that” on number 3. I love us just the way we are…

PS- I was so completely distracted and annoyed while writing this, that I burnt the F******* brownies!!

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want, You Get What You Need” – (A Stocking Stuffer Strategy By Mom and Mick Jagger).

The stockings were filled by the chimney with care, in hopes that my phone charger still would be there!

Sounds like the majority of the Moms I’ve talked to have completed their Christmas shopping, for the most part.

“I just have to pick up some stocking stuffers and I’m all done!” boasted one of my friends.

Not to be the voice of negativity, but that’s a more daunting chore than it sounds like… I’m pretty sure the tradition of stuffing stockings originated years ago, back in the Mother Country, when the only thing children received from Father Christmas, was a small (human-sized) sock filled with a few walnuts, an orange, a corn husk doll and a schilling or two. Nowadays, our kids get so darn much for Christmas, I’m actually bitter about stuffing their stockings. Not to mention, I can ill-afford this task, as the stocking stuffers usually cost more than the Christmas gifts…

So this year, I’m thinking that, since I probably can’t shirk my parental obligation to fill these obnoxious, oversized socks, (fit for a Clydesdale) the least I can do is make MY life a little easier with a strategic selection of fillers. This year, I’m going with the following theme for my stocking stuffers:

“CRAP Y’ALL BORROW OR STEAL FROM ME AND DAD THROUGHOUT THE YEAR”

PHONE CHARGERS: I know in advance, that I’m going to crawl exhausted into bed many a night in 2015, reach behind my nightstand for the end of the cord to my phone charger and find nothing. I’ll follow this trail of nothingness all the way to the wall socket, where I will be rewarded by more of Nothing. I know you will all deny having seen it and look at me dumbfounded and bewildered when I suggest that you may possess any knowledge of my charger’s whereabouts.

CAR CHARGERS: I can already picture the hectic day when my phone loses juice on my way to a basketball or football game in Bugtussle, Oklahoma, completely at the mercy of my GPS, fumbling through the console for my phone charger. Who am i kidding? It won’t be there.

EAR BUDS: Some days I never even make it to the gym to work out, because I burn the requisite number of calories, not to mention all my allotted time, taking the house apart and searching all the cars for just one pair of ear buds.

BATHROOM ESSENTIALS: These items disappear from my bathroom at an alarming rate. Are you taking hairbrushes and combs to your friends’ houses and leaving them there? If that’s the case, why am I not finding your friends’ hairbrushes and combs lying around here that they left? Due to the genetically ambiguous nature of my hair, I actually only need my comb/brush once a week or so, but there’s never one in my bathroom when I do. Ditto razors, soap and shampoo. Do y’all seriously wait until we fall asleep at night and creep into our bathroom to kidnap our toiletries? Any excuse not to shave my legs is great, but Dad really needs to shave, so….

COFFEE PODS: One of the best things Daddy and I ever did for ourselves was switch to the woefully expensive Keurig system of coffee brewing. One cup at a time! Fast and Fresh! I’m not exaggerating when I say that it’s literally changed our lives for the better… Except for the mornings when we stumble bleary-eyed into the kitchen to discover that you and your friends burned through $20 worth of coffee pods, the previous night, during an all night study session. It’s rather pathetic that I have to hide Back-Up Emergency Pods in various places around the house to ensure that we can always get a cup of coffee to start our busy day of servicing your needs.   And, I probably shouldn’t say this, but it’d probably be cheaper if we had a “pot habit”, instead of a “pod habit”….

FOOD AND GAS GIFT CARDS: It’ll cost me a ton, but I’ll probably throw in a few gas cards and fast food gift cards. I reckon it’s “pay me now or pay me later”. I understand that it’s ridiculous for me to expect you to eat dinner at home or, God-forbid, on the costly meal plan the university requires us to pay for. I am resigned to the fact that your generation socializes at Panera, Whataburger and Starbucks. So, I guess the exciting challenge will be for me to predict which dining establishments will find favor in 2015 with “Generation I’m-not-eating-that”.

I’m super motivated to head over to Target now. I really like my plan and think this is Pro-active Parenting at it’s very finest! I just have this nagging suspicion that even after Santa Claus gives you a $30 Starbucks card, it’ll barely be February before I’m fishing around in the hole I slit in the bottom of my mattress trying to find a coffee pod for Daddy, so he can go to work to try to earn enough money for your sock to runneth over next year…

As an Army Brat, who grew up all over the world, it was nearly impossible to have set traditions, in my childhood. As such, it’s possible that I might have been a wee bit over-zealous establishing traditions when I had my own family..singing all the same carols, baking the same scones, making the same fudge and watching the same Christmas movie year after year….AND, of course….writing the Blanchard Family Christmas Letter.

So, I guess I have only myself to blame for the reaction I got, when I hinted that I was considering not writing THE LETTER this year. I’ve been writing a blog, which I pointed out, renders the Christmas Letter somewhat redundant. Right then and there, all the Whos down in Whoville dropped their hands, stopped their Who-singing and looked at me in astonished bewilderment, it was as though my heart had shrunk 3 sizes that day!

It became abundantly clear that, the Sacred Christmas Letter, is guaranteed protection under the Freedom of Information Act. Due to its status as a “Family Tradition,” it Must be written! Blog be damned!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FAMILY AND FRIENDS,

Emilie, 28, has had a great year! So good, in fact, that she has scarcely been mentioned in my blog, as the thrust of my writing focuses on embarrassing mishaps. There’s simply not an abundance of blog-fodder surrounding the life of an overworked and overwhelmed fledgling Attorney. No matter! Emilie is not particularly enamored of the blog, anyway. Shortly after I started writing it, and was fishing for “feedback,” (translation: accolades) she informed me, “Mom, I’m sure all your friends, who didn’t grow up hearing your shtick day-in, day-out, think your blog is funny!!” Shortly after making this comment, she was walking through a downtown parking garage, reading the blog on her phone and was almost run over by a car! Thank goodness, I was in Edmond that day and have a solid alibi.

Emilie and Matt (the best thing that happened to her this year!)

Mollie, 25, is studying Law at Fordham University in Manhatten. We miss her terribly and her absence has left a void in our blog – I mean, our lives. Now, there is a girl that could be depended upon to provide consistent creative writing material!! Whatever adorable little mishaps she is involved in on a daily basis up there, are being kept from us, with the exception of the 911 phone call we got from her beleaguered boyfriend, Jace, when she was LOST IN NEW YORK CITY!!! The fact that I posted a blog about that the next day, isn’t helping to keep me “in the loop” on the goings-on in the Big Apple…They’re both busy this week with their Law School Exams and then, flying home for Christmas!!

Lost and found

Gracie, 19, left for The University of Arkansas in August. All Summer long, as we battled over custody of jewelry, make-up and clothes, it was clear, we were just masking our pain; both of us dreading the day she would leave…On the morning she departed, one of her BFFs came over to help us pack up her car; then they stood in the driveway and hugged and cried for quite some time. Finally, Gracie, looked at us the two of us, and said, in her bravest singsong voice, “Well – I guess this is IT!!” As I closed in for the emotionally dramatic Mother/Daughter Goodbye Scene, she pressed her phone in my hand, wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, and said, “Can you snap one last picture of me and Jensen before I go?” That kind of sums up motherhood for me…anticlimactic.

Cheering on the football field and missing her Mama!

James, 17, had shoulder surgery the day before Thanksgiving. It was an extremely difficult decision whether or not to have him undergo this procedure. Upon consulting with 3 different surgeons, we finally agreed to go through with it. A few hours after the operation, we were filled with second thoughts and renewed angst, as we saw our typically healthy, happy-go-lucky son debilitated by pain and discomfort. We anxiously drove him home from the hospital, each silently wondering if we had made the right decision or if we had possibly just ruined our young boy forever.

Suddenly, we heard him mumble something from the backseat…

Jimmy- “What’s he saying back there?”

Leslie- “It sounds like he’s saying ‘What-a-burger'”

And, then he said ANOTHER word…and his thumbs began to twitch…

Leslie- “He just said, ‘phone’! He wants his phone! He wants to text!”

And, we smiled at each other in relief, because we knew…Our Boy was going to be okay.

That was a couple of weeks ago and we are delighted to report that, while we don’t know if he will recover enough to play football his Senior year, he is back to texting at his pre-surgery capacity and seemingly has a bright future ahead.

James and his date Annie on their way to Winter Formal. Wish I could see him dancing to “Staying Alive!”

At 14, Tommy is still surprisingly loving, considerate and respectful. As cynical battle-scarred veterans of 4 previous teenagers, we remain on threat level “high-alert status,” ever-vigilant as we watch for the inevitable warning signs of a changing temperament. He has been extremely helpful these last few weeks, picking up James’ slack. We did notice, after a couple of days, that James’ incapacitation didn’t actually add too much to Tom’s workload…underscoring the fact that he has been correct all along in his assertions that, “James doesn’t do anything around here!” Nonetheless, by Day 3 of our Post-Surgical Thanksgiving “Hunker-Down”, Tommy said, “I don’t care WHAT I do today, or WHO I do it with, I’m putting on some real pants with a zipper and leaving this house!”

The dogs know who feeds them!

Speaking of hunkering down, Jimmy and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage if he hangs in through next week! He continues to remind me that “all he does” is work, fix the things we break, and finance/indulge my writing and tennis obsessions….

There’s really not much I can say to dispute that, except sing:
“If I bake scones and blog all night long…It’s a Family Tradition!”

Wishing you and yours the merriest Christmas and a blessed 2015!
Jimmy, Leslie, Emilie, Mollie, Gracie, James and Tommy

One of the things I’ve always hated about my vocation, is that EVERYBODY has an opinion on how you should do your job. People don’t go around telling Engineers how to build bridges, or Surgeons how to perform surgery; people tend to defer to the expertise, education and training of other professionals in their respective fields. But, if motherhood is your career of choice, one must always be prepared for an onslaught of unsolicited input on how to do this particular job. The problem as I see it, lies in the fact that this profession is woefully overexposed – EVERYONE, either IS a Mother, is close friends with a Mother, knows a Mother or, God forbid, actually had a Mother themselves…

Generally, I usually find other people’s opinions well-meaning and useless; I believe we really do know, instinctively, what’s best for our own kids… I don’t mean to imply that I’m Never open to outside suggestions.  In fact, I have managed through the years, to stumble inadvertently across several nuggets of wisdom from some rather unconventional sources:

The Federal Aviation Administrartion
(Lesson: Take care of your Kid’s Mom – No one Else Wants to Take Over In The Event Of Your Untimely Demise)

Before I had children, when I would take the occasional flight, I was always surprised that the airline warned you, that, “in the event of an actual emergency,” always put your own oxygen mask on first. I really felt like this flew in the face (pun intended) of the very essence of parenting, as I understood it, (which I clearly did not).
I was always taken aback at this instruction and “judgy”, in the way that, only people who haven’t had kids yet, can be. It wasn’t until many years, and several kids later, on a flight out of Orlando, while 2 year old James repeatedly threw his small plastic horses, with remarkable accuracy, at the heads of the passengers seated around us, that I came to understand the metaphorical imperative. It suddenly dawned on me that,  if I should pass out due to a sudden drop in cabin pressure, no one, in their right mind, would be as motivated as I would be, to rescue my little Horse Whisperer.

The Local Fire Department
(Lesson: Motherhood is not as effortless as some of us make it look)

I explain it to Jimmy like this, “You look over at those Firemen when you’re sitting at a red light, in front of the Fire Station, and you mutter to yourself, “They’ve got the life! What do those guys do all day anyway? Play checkers and wash the fire truck?”

And that’s what it sure seems like, right up until there’s a blazing fire to be put out; then, they’re the first ones to run into the flames!  It’s comforting and reassuring to know they’re “on call” and ready to go.

That’s exactly how it is with Moms. You might resent whatever it is you think we really do all day, right up until the proverbial crap hits the fan!!! And then you can’t hand the emergency over to Mama fast enough. We may look like carefree slackers, but we’re your family “First Responders.”  So, if you see us out and about laughing gaily, seemingly without a care in the world- remember we will be the first ones to run right into the flames of a family emergency, while everyone else practices their stop, drop and roll.

Just had a long relaxing bath and lunch out with friends….reporting for duty!!

A Restaurant In Texas
(Lesson: You Can’t Fight DNA)

There is a restaurant in Houston, called “A Taste Of Texas,” that Jimmy and I dined at a few times when we were younger. While I can’t remember what their menu was or if I even liked the food, my future parenting endeavors were profoundly affected by a sign they had posted right by the Hostess Stand. The sign said, “The Management requests that children not Alter the Atmosphere of this Dining Establishment”. What’s relevant here, is that it indelibly planted a seed in my mind, that it was actually possible to raise children who did not alter the atmosphere of their surroundings, and I do so love a challenge! Unsurprisingly, all 5 of my kids turned out to be “Atmosphere Alterers,” in spite of my best efforts. It was written on their DNA – (on their Dad’s side)

Nature or nurture?

A Wise, Crabby Old Asian Woman
(Lesson: Live With It, There are No “do-overs”)

There was a smaller, less poshy, Chinese restaurant in Houston, that Jimmy and I dined at ONLY ONCE. We ordered two entrees, a tea and a Diet Coke. When I took a sip of my tea, I noticed it had a funny taste, kind of stale. So I motioned for my server and asked for a Coke instead. When the bill was presented, she had charged us for all 3 beverages. I was unconcerned, as I was certain, we would sort it out when we got to the cashier. When I explained the situation to the elderly Cashier/Owner, she got a very disgusted look on her face and literally screeched, “You Order Tea, You Pay Tea!!”

We forked over the additional 85 cents, which was a small price to pay, considering, that we have told this story at least 300 times. (It kills at cocktail parties!) What a valuable life lesson… Many was the night, when the kids were little, and, I was at the end of my rope, Jimmy would just smile at me and say, “You Order Baby, You Pay Baby!!”

Raising great kids takes patience and time; it’s a long and arduous process.
My best unsolicited advice: Trust the Mom in the Mirror… Everyone else can just hold their horses!

“You order kids, you pay kids”

Deliver the letter, the sooner – the better…

The Christmas greeting has morphed considerably over time. When I was younger, most of the cards we received were just that – cards. These were of the secular or non-secular variety, designed by a stranger and signed by the sender -relatively boring compared to today’s greetings, but we enjoyed them nonetheless.

Since then, our communication styles have been radically altered by social media. Nowadays, one can have daily (or at least weekly) communication with their Ex-college Roommate, their 5th grade Art Teacher and their Next-door Neighbor’s Cousin. We are “reaching out and touching someone” constantly…

But, we still love receiving our Christmas mail. I don’t know what it is about the allure of the Christmas Greeting, but this is the only time of year I actually walk out to the street, and check my mailbox. January-November, I leave all the bills and the junk mail for Jimmy to retrieve, but the holidays are a different story.

Starting the day after Thanksgiving, I check the mail once or twice a day – racing my kids to get to the mail first.

Approximately 10% of the greetings we receive are generic cards, 80% are Photo Cards and perhaps another 10% are sent by the overly ambitious writers of the much-maligned Christmas Letter!

THE HUMBLE CHRISTMAS CARD:

These are sent to us mostly from the older generation. For whatever reason, these folks don’t care to send us a picture of themselves or a letter updating us on their lives, so they buy a box of cards and sign them. We love hearing from the Card-Signer Generation, and are touched that they thought of us. It’s reassuring to know they are still kickin’ and it’s a reminder to keep them on our list for next year.

THE PHOTO CARD:

This is by far the most popular Christmas greeting. Snapfish and Shutterfly have elevated this genre to an art form. You simply go online and choose a design you like. There are a plethora of available styles, with spaces for you to drag and click your favorite pics of the year. Some of the designs are created for just one large picture (the whole fam), some for a grouping of 2, 3 or 4 smaller pictures (each child individually featured). But, the really challenging designs might have a variety of spaces in different sizes, requiring you to prioritize your very own kids- the decision as to which child’s face goes in the larger ornament and which goes in the smaller, could potentially stir up some holiday drama. One of my friends met this challenge head-on by featuring her dog in the larger space. Who can argue with that?

We adore poring over the picture cards and are heartened to see our friends and their offspring posed in front of such exotic locales, as The Great Wall of China, The Eiffel Tower and The Parthenon. It quite literally fills our hearts with Yuletide Joy, to know that, while we are slugging around in the trenches of our common everyday lives, you and the kiddos are checking items off our Bucket List. Receiving your Photo card is the fulfillment of our every Christmas Wish – its almost as if we had been there with you….

THE DREADED CHRISTMAS LETTER:

Why does the lowly Christmas letter have such a bad rep? I’ve been composing an annual Christmas letter since way back when my kids were cute. By the time we settled down in Oklahoma, we had a Wait-List of people who wanted to receive our letter, should someone happen to die and create a vacancy…

So, it was with a large and generous heart that I randomly decided to include our new neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. _, on my Christmas Mailing List, the VERY FIRST year we met them!! One day, a week or so after my letter went out, I asked Mr. _, if he had read it. To which he responded, with a dismissive wave of his hand, “Oh, I never read those!” I was livid…. Much to the despair of his wife Mrs._, (who, seemingly can’t control her spouse), I made sure my letter never darkened their mailbox again. Surprisingly, Mr. _ has managed to push on successfully through life, but only because he doesn’t know what he is missing.

In Mr. _’s defense though, most people have bastardized the original intent of the Christmas Letter, with their transparent attempts at Self-Promotion:

“And then, in July, we almost missed our Red-eye from Rome, which would’ve prevented us from attending Junior’s Eagle Scout Award Ceremony”

Or:

“As this year’s Valedictorian, Sissy was faced with the difficult choice between giving her Class Commencement Address or singing the Star Spangled Banner at The Olympic Opening Ceremony that same weekend”

Some people even brag about their spouses:

“When she isn’t carpooling the kids around, volunteering at our Local Homeless Shelter, teaching Step-Aerobics or facilitating a Ladies Bible Study in our home, Honey continues to pursue her passion for 18th Century Chinese Poetry!”

These Seasonal PR Campaigns are the REAL reason people avoid reading Christmas Letters. If you really want your friends and loved ones, dotted around the country, to know how superior your life is to theirs, don’t insult their intelligence on top of it…

Just get on with it, like this :

“Merry Christmas! Our kids are straight A students, as well as accomplished award -winning athletes. Our marriage continues to be a Beacon of Hope in a Fallen World. We bought a new Porsche with the money we saved on the great interest rate we got, when we built the new house. If you ever find yourself in our neck-of-the-woods, we’d love to give you a tour of the place, but call first, to make sure we aren’t abroad!”

I, on the other hand, compose a letter every year delineating the mishaps, humblings and utter embarrassments of my family’s year. I consider this Tell-All an act of pure and genuine selflessness, as nothing puts the “Merry” in Christmas like an honest and realistic glimpse of someone else’s Failings and Family Dysfunction…

I know it’s generally considered taboo, but we went ahead and got the Christmas tree out of the attic BEFORE Thanksgiving this year.

I initiated this task a little prematurely, largely because My hubby happened to be home that morning, and was, seemingly, in a compliant mood. Complimentary Marriage Tip: Always strike while the iron is hot!

Every year, I dread asking him to get the tree and the ornaments out of the attic because of all the surliness, complaining, and overall “put-outedness” he displays.

My man acts as though, I single-handedly, invented the entire concept of Christmas, as an excuse to spend extra money and create extra work for him. The fact that I happen to embrace this holiday with a joyful attitude, does not make it my personal brain-child.

Furthermore, I find this insinuation somewhat perplexing, as I have run across old Blanchard family photographs, depicting the Blanchards enjoying a myriad of Yule Tide activities, long before I came on the scene with my mandatory merry-making ways…

Little Jimmy clearly embracing Christmas- years before we met…

Not to mention, with the exception of some minimal heavy-lifting, MOST of the work ensuring that our children’s every Magical Christmas Memory is met or exceeded each year, falls on me, not him.

And it all starts with the the Christmas Tree…

A few years ago, we decided it was time to invest in one of those Pricey Pre-lit Christmas Trees. We figured we were due for an upgrade, and had come far enough in life that we deserved not to have to hassle with the annual tedium of light stringing. I was fully on board, because it would undoubtedly involve less Husband-stress, which is always a holiday goal. So, yesterday, m hubby hoisted the 2 year old tree out of the attic, connected the three sections, plugged it in and, Ta-da!! about 17 of the 1200 lights shown brightly!!

Fa la la la la la la la Fail!                 (Big jimmy not embracing Christmas)

Now, this not a widely publicized fact, but, apparently, investing hundreds of dollars in a pre-lit Christmas tree and having the lights blow out a year or two later, is the most common cause of divorce in this country. (Im not sure why they erroneously insist on blaming sex and children…)

I actually remember, when we bought the tree, admiring how intricately each and every light was painstakingly woven in and around every branch and evergreen finger. I gave fleeting consideration to the thought, that we would have a big problem if the lights ever blew out. I reassured myself that they must obviously use very high quality light bulbs to ensure the life of the tree and prevent against this disaster…

I’m sure, at the very moment I was thinking this, someone, somewhere, in an Indonesian Christmas Tree Factory must’ve been laughing hysterically.

Initially, I didn’t panic when the tree didn’t light up, because The Hubs can fix almost anything. Recently, my dishwasher broke, and a few short hours after telling me, “It looks like you’re going to need a new dishwasher,” he had it humming along like brand new.

So, quite optimistically, I said, “Fix it!”

He tinkered around for a few minutes, checking the connections, etc and said, “I don’t think this can be fixed...”

Undaunted, I said, “okay…fix it, PRETTY PLEASE!”

“How would you suggest I do that?”

“Jiggle something,” I helpfully suggested.

And this is where we parted ways that day, both physically and metaphorically. “These lights are blown,” he said, stubbornly, and then suggested that it really wasn’t a Big Deal, and left for work.

Clearly, He just doesn’t give a crap about Christmas. He views the world very black and white and prioritizes things he sternly and strictly refers to as, “The Basics Of Life,” such as food and shelter etc…

Essential as those pursuits may be, I am obviously the only one in this relationship that understands the inordinate value of a Beautiful Christmas Tree…

So, I was left with a few options:

1. Buy a new tree (no way!)
2. Pretend Christmas lights don’t matter to all of Mankind (they do!)
3. Buy new lights and drape them over the burnt-out lights, pretending that the dead lights are invisible to the naked eye (they aren’t!)
4. Cut each and every light and wire out of the tree and then re-string with new lights

(I can and I will!)

But, I went a little Edward Scissor-Hands, and 7 hours later, while I may not have personally invented this holiday, I may just have been The First Woman Ever to PRUNE an Artificial Tree -saving both marriage AND Christmas for generations to come!

Single-handedly Saving Christmas!

With Thanksgiving swiftly approaching, I’m spending an outrageous amount of time on Pinterest. If you’re unfamiliar with this enormously popular app, google it and have a look. It’s sort’ve a modern-day version of the “Quilting Bee,” harkening back to a time when women used to sit around advising other women on how to run their lives and homes, with efficiency and creativity.

Pinterest is like your Mom, both of your Grandmothers and all your Aunts got together and threw a gigantic Family Reunion in Cyberspace. There are recipes, decorating ideas, and tips on what to eat and how to exercise. You can log on to Pinterest if you need to tie a pretty bow on a package, lattice a pie crust, organize your linen cabinet or whip up a smoothie.

The ideas on things to do with a leftover Mason Jar, is reason alone to get lost on this website. Thanks to Pinterest, the humble Mason jar isn’t just for Vegetables and Moonshine anymore!! (For the record, I really don’t believe these “pinteresters” have all these empty Mason jars lying around their cozy-country homes; they’re out buying them by the crate-load at Walmart…) Undoubtedly, the “Mason Jar Craze – 2014” has caused the sales of Mason jars to skyrocket, triggering a surge in Mason Jar stock on Wall Street, ensuring a very Merry Christmas this year, for a host of wealthy Jar-Makers and their heirs!

Pinterest revives the Mason Jar Market

But, back when I was growing up, we didn’t have Pinterest, we just had our Mamas…

My Mom, Doris, was a (p)interesting woman, way back when the Internet was just a twinkle in some Nerd’s eye. She was the End-All/Be-All arbiter of creativity and pizazz in her considerable sphere of influence. Admittedly, without the help of social media, her range was limited to her friends, offspring and acquaintances, but she was quick with the advice and managed to get her ideas out there, nonetheless.

Doris: NEED A QUICK, HEALTHY, ECONOMICAL MEAL?

“Brown 1 pound of ground beef, while you simultaneously follow the directions on a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Then, when no one is looking, mix the two together! The kids will wolf this down and come back for seconds!”

(I actually get physically ill just thinking about this Meal Prep Tip. Not because I was so culinarily sophisticated that I didn’t appreciate this dinner, but, because some chic named Betty Crocker, poached this idea and called it “Hamburger Helper,” making millions off of my own mother’s brilliance. We knew intuitively, even back then, that Doris was far too generous in sharing her ideas with everyone and their cousin. Something like this was bound to happen. Kissing my Trust Fund goodbye)

Doris: HATE TO TOSS OUT ALL THOSE GREETING CARDS?

“Who wants to throw away all those beautiful Birthday and Christmas cards we receive in the mail? Just cut around the lovely design on the front of the card, in whatever shape works, punch a hole in it and VOILA! You have a darling gift tag – you can now write your message on the back and attach to a package!”

(This was years before anyone ever used the word “re-cycle” and decades before the term “re-purpose”! The Depression-era generation did stuff like this, because they quite literally couldn’t bear to throw anything away..)

Make your own gift tags out of last year’s Greeting Cards!!

Doris: QUICK SALAD DRESSING?

“Who doesn’t have ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise on hand? Just mix those all together! Add a little pickle relish if you have some, but that step is optional. This dressing never fails to please the family, when generously ladled over a head of Iceberg!”

(No need to make the Kraft family any richer by buying their Thousand Island Dressing, for Pete’s sake-We are already buying their Macaroni.)

Doris: LAST MINUTE SNACK FOR GIRL A SCOUT MEETING?

“Take one container of Cool Whip and divide into 3 bowls. Add a few tablespoons of liqueurs (left over from your own Adult Christmas Party) to each bowl. Creme de Menthe makes a festive green mint dip! Creme de Cacao will turn your Cool Whip into a Chocolate Sensation! And who doesn’t love Kahlua mixed with cream? Serve these as “dips” with Vanilla Wafers!!”

(This actually happened. She forgot to bake/buy something, when it was my turn to furnish snacks for my Brownie meeting one January afternoon, and “improvised” by serving Alcohol to Minors… I couldn’t have been prouder of my innovative and creative ‘Cookie Dips.’   It was the 70s – no one thought a thing of it and no one was arrested!)

Reminiscing about how talented my mother was in the pre-Pinterest era, has left me inspired for Thanksgiving… I now have all the motivation that I need to go spray paint some Mason Jars, to use as candles for my Thanksgiving Tablescape, and assemble that tiresome Cream of Mushroom Green Bean Casserole!

I’m sure somewhere in this country, next week, some families by the name of Kraft, Crocker and Campbell will all join hands, bow their heads and Give Thanks for Doris and all the other Pinteresting Pioneers who made them the Macaroni Millionaires they are today.