Jimmy and I built our entire relationship on the concept of “Marital Oneness,” largely because I crammed it down his throat in the early years. I probably read it on a poster somewhere along the way, but I really pushed the concept “Together We Are Stronger!” However, it occurred to me this morning, that perhaps Jimmy was a little Over-indoctrinated, when he said, all too enthusiastically,

“We need to sit down and go over OUR New Year’s Resolutions!”

I know that I’ve changed my tune a bit through the years, but I really don’t view this is as a “Couple-Thing.” There are a lot of things we are required  to do together, such as paying taxes – “Married and Filing Jointly”. But, it’s not as if we have to check a box -“Married and Resolving Jointly”…

I see this for the clever marital ploy that it is. There are obviously a few things HE wants to tweak, and feels like he needs to involve me, to ensure his own success.

I think it would be much better if we just quietly consider a few personal behaviors on our own, (as the flawed, imperfect individuals that we are) and commit to improve. Surely, NO GOOD can come from one’s spouse helping one identify ways to reform oneself.

So…I shot him my most Petulant, Put-Out, Go-To-Hell look, but he was not deterred…
Here are a few suggestions he has for 2015:

JIMMY – “WE NEED TO START EATING RIGHT”

I bet this is the #1 most popular, over-resolved resolution in the entire history of resolution-making. I bet when people started actually getting to choose what to eat, (beyond what they slaughtered or grew on their farm) they made bad food choices. Personally, I think making bad food choices is one of the only good things about being an adult. Obviously, when I was a kid, I had to eat whatever Doris put in front of us or let us have. She rarely let us have candy, but she did manage to look the other way when Dad bought it on road trips. He’d disappear inside the Filling Station and then come back out to the car and start throwing Snickers and Butterfingers into the back of the Station Wagon like he was on a Mardi Gras float. To this day, I equate sugar with fun and adventure!!

LESLIE- “Just talking about this is making me crave brownies… What else you got?”

JIMMY – “WE SHOULD CLEAN UP THE LANGUAGE AROUND HERE”

When the girls were younger, we were very careful about “choosing our words” – as the girls were “little ladies” and the boys were toddlers. (Sexist – I know) I had a list of acceptable substitute words we used in place of the Big Naughties. These were kinder, gentler words that one could slip in seamlessly to substitute for the verboten 4-letter words. Now that the girls are grown up and out of the house and the boys are teenagers, we’ve let our conduct standards slip a bit. Okay, a lot. In my defense, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are certain words that just punch up the point I’m trying to make.

LESLIE – “I’m feeling verbally and creatively stifled…let me think about that one too…what else you got?”

JIMMY – “WE NEED TO MAKE A BUDGET AND STICK TO IT”

Jimmy maintains that its not enough that I make out a budget every year, I should actually plan to adhere to it. It’s pretty lame that he is trying to insert this as a New Year’s Resolution for “US“… Jimmy literally spent $12 in 2014. Admittedly, this was up significantly from the $7 he spent in 2013, but still…I can tell he is patronizing me with this “WE” Shit…

LESLIE – “Fun fact: We lived on a budget in the 80s. Totally hated it!”

So there it is- Jimmy’s Trifecta of New Year’s Resolution Options. Clearly, HIS resolution was to ruin 2015. I’m typically pretty docile and agreeable by nature, but I’m going to have to dig my heels in here. I’m simply not committed enough to the first 2 and a little “been there-done that” on number 3. I love us just the way we are…

PS- I was so completely distracted and annoyed while writing this, that I burnt the F******* brownies!!