“Look at what you’ve done. Why you’ve become a    grown-up girl…” Neil Diamond (1979)

Today marks the one year anniversary of our second daughter’s wedding. June 1st. And yet, I totally forgot. I woke up to a text from one of our best friends reminding me of it.

Thank God.

I quickly shot out  a “Happy Anniversary”  to our newlyweds in New York. Our dearest friends are definitely carrying me these days. They store so many of our precious memories for safe-keeping until I can find my way back to them.

What was actually weighing heavily on my mind was, ‘Today is June 1st – I need to make sure Jimmy’s company received my first COBRA insurance payment or I’m screwed.’     I can’t believe I’ve actually been reduced to worrying about health insurance.

What a difference a year makes.

Do you recall back in 2006 when a book hit the best-selłer list called “The Secret?” Oprah recommended it on her show, so my mom couldn’t buy me a copy fast enough. Of course I devoured it.

The premise of the book, in a nutshell, was that we “get back” whatever we send out to The Universe. I’m doing some serious paraphrasing and condensing here, but the gist of it was promoting positive-visualization.

I was kind’ve excited about it and shared the concepts with you.   I think your exact response was, “Bull Shit!”

Lord, you could be terse.  And not exactly oozing positivity either…

After I finished reading it, I took from it the parts I deemed legit, helpful and in alignment with our faith, dismissing the rest. Personally, I agreed with you that it can be a slippery slope to imagine that everything good-in-life or everything bad-in-life that happens to us occurs because (in your words) we “thunk on it too hard!”

For instance, I don’t believe the Jews brought on the Holocaust by overthinking Hitler and genocide. I think that might’ve been your point.  With that said, I do believe in the power of positive thinking and throughout my life I’ve pictured a lovely existence for myself in the world. And I’ve fantasized constantly about alł the things that I wanted to see happen for me.

Starting with you.

And they mostly did happen.

In honor of Mollie’s anniversary, I couldn’t resist watching the video of you and her dancing at her wedding.  It was self-induced pain and of course I bawled all the way through it. But, that’s what reminded me of that book and the power of visualization.

Ever since that misty grey September morning in Houston when you drove me to the hospital to have our second, I always dreamed of you and her dancing at her wedding to the song, “September Morn.” Throughout her young life, every single time I heard that song, I would always think to myself,

‘Awwww..here’s Mollie and Jimmy’s Wedding Dance song…’

Remember how crushed I was when our engaged couple said they would prefer a smalł wedding with no dancing?  We started pushing hard for the traditional Daddy/Daughter Dance.  They eventually and graciously complied.

And even though watching that video is like being stabbed in the heart by the blades of a thousand knives, it’s also one of the most precious things I have left of you.

Unlike a few of the other Blanchards (myself included…okay, myself especially) limelight-seekers and show-stealers, you and Mollie are a bit more reserved.  I must’ve been prescient because the lyrics of the song fit her perfectly:

“I can still hear you crying in the corner of your room…” 

That’s how she is and always was.   Low key.  Not big on a lot of attention.  So, I’m so very grateful y’all had that dance together, even though the video is upside down and sideways.

Speaking of upside down and sideways, we are, all of us, working diligently every day to survive without you. I read a book on Monday night that said “acute grief” lasts 4 months. I counted backwards and it was exactly 4 months that very day! I was immediately encouraged, but then I didn’t get out of bed the next day, so maybe I’m just obstinate.

“The Secret” to finding your way back must be balancing the “looking back” with the “looking forward.”

I know I need to to spend more time visualizing the future joy God has in store for us all…Still I find myself wishing there was a way to thank you for devoting your life to indulging all my whims and fancies and making every little thing I envisioned come to fruition.

“For I know the plans I have for you declared The Lord, plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)