When I’m soaking in the bathtub, I’m longing for a little peace and serenity. The message I feel like I’m clearly sending when I’m in the tub is: I am off-the-clock, not “on call,” and completely unavailable. I’m not sure why my husband thinks that’s an ideal time to find me a job to do. It’s like he doesn’t remember that popular Calgon commercial from when we were kids…
To put it as nicely as possible, Jimmy is one of those people who, when there is nothing to do, will manufacture something to do. He looks for problems to solve. I think I actually saw him break something on purpose once, so that he could spend all day fixing it. When you are trying to relax, this type of person is a real challenge to be married to, because they try to suck you into their way of life. Take this past Tuesday for example- I was lying in the bathtub sipping my coffee, when he came bursting into the bathroom frantically waving several official-looking documents (I didn’t know it at the time, but they were the titles to our vehicles.)
“We are missing the title to your car! I have all of them, except yours!” he said panic-stricken.
Judging from his state of urgency, my immediate thought was, “Oh my God! Is the Gestapo banging at the door?”
(Jimmy has been after me for years to organize the file cabinet, as if he knew this dire day was coming. The Officials would be at the door and the Blanchards would fail to produce all requisite documentation, in a timely fashion, and our entire family will be hauled off to work camps.)
But, I was over-reaching. It was just randomly, TITLE SEARCH TUESDAY, a day that, for no apparent reason, my anal-retentive spouse arbitrarily decided to inventory the contents of our file cabinet to ensure that we had all of our “affairs in order.” He urged me to drain the tub, towel off and assist him in locating the missing document as quickly as possible.
I thought my next question was pretty obvious,
“Is one of us dying?”
It would be just like my family to withhold that sort of information, so as not to upset me. But, getting prematurely expelled from the bathtub was equally upsetting, so let’s just have the bad news – spill it…
“Which one of us is it? Me or you?” I asked, not entirely certain what answer I was hoping for.
Turns out – neither one of us was dying. He literally just wanted to put his hands on the titles to every vehicle we own. And, he wanted to do it right then. On that seemingly peaceful Tuesday morning. At 8 am. Before I’d had my first full cup of coffee.
Eventually, I found the missing title in the glove compartment of my car. In the interest of personal defense, I insisted that we once resided in a state that required vehicle owners to carry their title in their cars and, with all our moving around, I’ve gotten confused through the years.
He reminded me that:
A. We’ve lived in Oklahoma for 13 years; any confusion should have long since been cleared up and,
B. We’ve NEVER lived in a state that required you to carry your title in your vehicle. That’s just dumb.
Whenever we disagree, I immediately turn to the MEDIATOR OF ALL MARITAL DISPUTES, our Marriage Counselor, GOOGLE. Google quickly and effectively arbitrates most of our disputes. Unfortunately, after several minutes of thorough research, I could find no evidence of any state in the Union, that requires an owner to carry their title in their vehicle. In fact, I found several websites cautioning the prudent vehicle owner against such folly.
Needless to say, when Google doesn’t provide sufficient evidence to bolster my position, I don’t run straight to Jimmy with the proof that he was right and I was wrong. (That’s dumber than riding around with your title in your car.) So, I just got back in the tub to soak it off and sulk it off.
But, by then, I was super annoyed. I could still hear him rummaging around in the file cabinet. I wonder what he is looking for now? Our Marriage License?
Surely, if anyone knocks on the door demanding proof that we are legally bound, he will say, “I have no documents on this woman, Comrades! You must take her away immediately!”
In the meantime, I need Calgon to take me away…