Bringing Sexy Baaa(ck)

Sheep pajamas Bringing Sexy Baaaa-ck

It goes without saying – it was imperative that I go on several preliminary shopping trips in THE METRO last week, to procure a few smart outfits to wear on my actual shopping trip to New York City. I wasn’t going to just show up at the Fashion-Mecca-Of-The-Free-World representing Fly-Over Country, looking frumpy…

One afternoon, laden down with purchases, I beat the hastiest path available through the mall, to my car, which necessitated cutting straight through the Ladies Lingerie Department in a well known department store. Due to my finely honed shopping-intellect, it did not escape my attention that they were indeed selling lingerie to ladies there.

Now, I’m no stranger to lingerie. In fact, I used to own some in the 80s. I actually may still own some. I haven’t really dug that deep into the back of my pajama drawer lately to take inventory. Suddenly, I had something of a MARITAL EPIPHANY – What if I bought some lingerie to take along on our romantic weekend getaway?

That seemed like a really grand gesture on my part, and an idea my hubby was sure to be keen on.

The last time I shopped for lingerie, I was at a well-known “lingerie-specific” store in the mall. I confess that I get extremely overwhelmed and disoriented in that place. I’ve never been particularly brilliant at math, but I do think I’ve figured out their big “SECRET.”  It’s quite simple really: if marketed correctly, they can sell a bra for about 20 times it’s Fair Market Value to gullible women and also to EVERY MAN ALIVE.

I hate to always make it about money, but I’m still pretty uplifted by a bra I bought 10 years ago at Target that cost me $14.99. That’s approximately .75 cents per boob, per year.

I paused just long enough to encounter, Veronica, a Sales Associate. She asked if she could be of assistance. I mentioned that I was going on a trip over the weekend with my husband and might be interested in purchasing something “a tiny bit sexy.” She must’ve thought I said, “something tiny, and a bit sexy…”

Not enough material for this Material Girl

Not enough material for this Material Girl


As she began to peddle her wares, I blushed,  “I’m a bunch of people’s Mother, Veronica.

I gazed wistfully over at the flannel selection: There sat the cutest pair of PJs I’ve ever seen in my life- a soothing turquoise blue background with creamy white sheep grazing on them. They were so adorable I almost cried.

“Those are not sexy Gurrrrl!,” Veronica crooned, waving them off dismissively.

“But I heard it gets chilly in Manhattan this time of year. I think I’m going to need something with more material,” I whined sheepishly.

“They have heaters in the hotel rooms,” she said. (Like she’s some kind of New York City Travel Expert.)

Reluctantly, I took my search back over to The Happy Hooker rack, and started looking at the selections and their accompanying price tags.

“Veronica, Gurrrl, if I’m going to spend $100 for 1/8th of an ounce of anything, it’s going to be something flashy that EVERYONE can see me wearing in public – like something from the Fine Jewelry Department. When it comes to nightwear, I like my dollars-to-fabric ratios to be more in line.”

Clearly getting weary of me she offered, “We have a 65% off rack in the storage room I can roll out, you’re welcome to browse through it…”

She escorted me to the back of the department, to a make-shift rack and left me to peruse to my heart’s content. I, in turn, released her to go assist full-priced customers.

65% off - Veronica's Secret!

65% off – Veronica’s Secret!

As luck would have it, I found just what I was looking for back there. And, while it’s true that there’s not much fabric to it, (sigh) at 35% of Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail, I can afford for it to get lost in the back of the drawer behind the sheep pajamas.

…Of course I bought that pair too.   I am a Material Gurl, and I like to sleep in a Material world.