It’s immensely flattering when people are impressed with me, so I never hesitate to share my cache of SKILLS, TIPS and HOW-TO’s with my friends and admirers.
“You just toast some pumpkin seeds on a low heat…”
“Just sit your kid down and tell him…”
“Just point your glue gun right at your husband and say…”
So, yesterday, when several friends asked me, incredulously, how I managed to crash BOTH of my cars on the same day, I was as eager as ever to explain…
“It was a cinch! You just jump in the first car, throw it into reverse, and barrel out of the garage like a bat flying out of Hell!”
To ensure absolute success, you’ll want to check to make sure the second car is perfectly aligned behind the first car. Although I skipped this step yesterday, the second car was indeed back there, and the entire incident went off without a hitch.
It’s certainly an added bonus if your husband is wheeling the trash cans out to the street at the exact moment this unfolds, so he can see it with his own eyes. While all my girlfriends nod their heads in complete understanding, it proves much too difficult to explain something like this to a man. It’s more instructive if he’s actually able to witness it in motion. (Allegedly, I performed this exact same maneuver years ago in Phoenix; Jimmy wasn’t present at the time, and claims the logistics of it baffled him for years.)
Since he was standing right there and didn’t need to ask me HOW I did this, he went with,
Jimmy – “Why?”
Jimmy – “Why?”
Jimmy – “Why?”
It’s just so like him to complicate things with a difficult 4-part series of questions…
Leslie-“I can’t tell you Why…”
My cell phone rang, just as You-Blow-It-We-Tow-It Wrecker Service was pulling off with my car (which I managed to hit with enough velocity so as to render it un-driveable). It was the Body Shop calling to inform me that they were looking at the work order and “There must be some mistake.” It seems there are two cars coming to them from the same owner, same address. Bev, at Collision Decision (“We Fix Your Bad Choices”) wanted to inform me that they’ve “Never had this happen before.” That’s absurd and caused me to seriously question the credibility of this particular body shop. I know for a fact that people are out there hitting their own cars in their own driveways left and right. I’ve personally done it twice in a single lifetime, and 2 out of 3 of my daughters have done it once each.
As with everything in our marriage, I see the Donut and Jimmy sees the hole. While he continues to cite reasons that this episode was ill-timed, I keep reminding him that it was actually well-timed. He was complaining just the other day that all the wedding paraphernalia and DIY was “cluttering the garage, making it hard to get the cars in and out!” Now – one car is gone for a few weeks- Presto! Problem Solved!! Also, I’m pretty sure this qualifies as a legitimate wedding expense. I plan to bury this invoice right into the wedding budget, where I can assure you it won’t even make a dent…