“Till Death Do Us Part”

Yesterday must’ve been “Take Your Wife To Work Day.” After a long, exhausting day of my own, Jimmy asked me if I wanted to have a “Date Night.” I mustered up a marginally-enthusiastic,

“Sure… but let’s have a stay-at-home date night. Won’t that be fun? The kids all have plans, so it’ll be just the two of us!”

The next thing I know he is dressed and heading out the door. (Apparently, he had to go in to one of the restaurants with or without me, on a work-related issue and really just wanted me to tag along.) I figured there were worse offers out there, plus a girl’s gotta eat, so I threw on some clothes, splashed on a little makeup and out we went.

After he addressed whatever work matter was at hand, we nestled in to a secluded corner of the bar, which was veritably humming with the vibe from a crowd of our area’s Beautiful People at every age and stage of life. It’ll be entertaining to relax with a cocktail, catch up on life and engage in some frivolous “people watching!”

At this point, I was glad I decided to tag along.

When our drinks arrived at the table, we tipped our glasses to one another, took a big long sip and began to let the troubles of the day melt away…

When suddenly, apropos to nothing, Jimmy says,

“If you die, I don’t think I’ll go too young on my next wife. I’ll probably consider someone in their 40s, but I would go as high as 50s, provided she has kept herself up!”

Isn’t it invigorating to realize that after 30 years of marriage your mate can still stun you speechless?

Perhaps because the bar was dark and my face was illuminated solely by a small candle on our table, he couldn’t see my reaction. So, he continued on descriptively…

“She will, of course, have to be intelligent, amorous, energetic and I would definitely need her to be a bit of a Susie-Homemaker type!”

A little about Me (Wife # 1)

-I’m 52 (which is the new 40, by the way)
– I exercise daily
-I wear my seatbelt regularly
-I don’t drink in excess
-and I don’t smoke at all

In short, I really hadn’t planned on dying anytime soon….

But now, the desire to Stay Alive has taken on a new meaning. It seems my WIDOWER-TO-BE has great expectations, as well as some lofty requirements for his second wife.

Let’s re-cap the REQs for wife #2:

This hot little number in her 40s or early 50s, with above-average intelligence, is up for big fun in the boudoir, just as soon as she pulls her cupcakes out of the oven and scrubs one more potty!

I woke up this morning with a new lease on life. I find that my will to live is stronger than ever. I ran around the block a few times, did 20 push ups, 50 Jumping Jacks, scheduled a mammogram, a colonoscopy and a heart scan. Then I ducked into Walgreens for a huge bottle of Geritol and some SPF 80 sunblock.

I really can’t afford to take any chances. My SUCCESSOR, Mrs. Blanchard-The-Second, sounds positively
“TO DIE FOR!”