Last week, while vacationing in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, Jimmy got inconveniently ill. (That’s actually the only kind of “ill” Jimmy gets…) As a battle-hardened wife and mother, I have a long-standing Defense Mechanism that kicks in automatically the very minute my spouse or kids start complaining that they, “might becoming down with something.” I call it the “97% Rule.”  Simply stated, this rule postulates that 97% of the time, when a person related-to or married-to me complains of illness, they are just fine. So, I ignore them. This has saved me from needlessly canceling my own plans, endless nights of sleepless worry, and God forbid, foolishly checking kids out of school.

Additionally, everyone’s familiar with the story of, “The Little Tequila-Shooter Who Cried Wolf”, so it should come as no surprise, that between that time-honored tale and the 97% Rule, I was effectively able to deny Jimmy’s ailment for almost 24 hours, continuing to enjoy my trip. Unfortunately, when he spiked a high temperature, accompanied by body aches and chills, I was forced to confront the probability that he was legit-sick. And even then, I wasn’t terribly alarmed until others on the trip started to drop. Unfortunately, his illness (A Wicked Mexican Parasite) put a damper on our vacation, but, on the bright side, it also inspired me and Jimmy to invent a new Board Game we’re going to call “Insurance-apoly.”

The object of this game is to attempt to navigate through the perils of Life, while not getting bitch-slapped by your Insurance Company. Players move their little pieces around the board and the person who gets screwed the least, wins the game!
The only real catch to this game is that, similar to the casinos in Vegas, “The House” can win…

The game pieces:

Instead of little pewter irons, thimbles, shoes or wheelbarrows, in Insurance-apoly, the game pieces will be little pewter pregnant women, scalpels, wheelchairs, and kids with casts.

The Spaces:

This board will be made up almost entirely of spaces you REALLY DON’T want to land on…

For example:

– You got sick while vacationing in another country. Instead of making a costly emergency room visit, you prudently schedule an office visit with a local doctor…
Oops! Your medical insurance only covers “Emergencies” during International travel.   So, in this case, rather than reimbursing you $100 for your office visit and $60 for your antibiotic, your insurance company would’ve preferred you spend 6 times that amount with a costly, yet fully reimbursable, Hospital Emergency Room visit…

Eat the $160 and back up your miniature wheel chair 2 spaces!

-During a routine office visit, your Dermatologist notices a benign skin cancer and removes it from your back…
Darn! Your batch of “referrals” from your Primary Care Physician expired, unbeknownst to you. Even though you are all paid-up on your premiums and your Carrier knows your PCP would obviously refer you to a Derm, you’re on your own with this one…

Doesn’t that just cut both ways? Pay $1200 and move your tiny scalpel back 4 spaces!

-You’re writhing in pain in Labor and Delivery. When you start hurling profane epithets at your Spouse, they “check you” and you’re at 5 centimeters. They call in the Anesthesiologist. Like an Angel of Mercy, he gives you an epidural, and you are now able to enjoy one of Life’s Most Blessed Moments…

You discover a few weeks later, when the EOB arrives, that although you did “due diligence” in selecting an “In Network” Obstetrician and “In Network” Hospital, the Anesthesiologist on call that night, was inexplicably “Out Of Network”!!!  Apparently, instead of assuming that a facility in your network would actually be staffed with physicians in  your network, and before you allowed this Medical Professional to alleviate your pain and suffering, you should have asked a few pertinent questions…Ironically, if “asking pertinent questions” was your strong suit, you probably wouldn’t be in Labor and Delivery (nevermind, that’s another blog…)

That’s going to cost you  $3700 and Fat Mama moves back 6 spaces!!

Just to keep things sporting, there will be a few spaces you might land on that say:
“Claim Paid!,” “Deductible Met,” and “You’re Covered!” But, they will be few and far between. Good luck trying to land on them…

As an added feature, in lieu of a “Get Out Of Jail Free Card,” and a “Treasure Chest,” Insurance-opoly will have 2 “Government Gets Involved” corners where players can draw either the “Medicaid” or the “Medicare” Card. If any player should happen to draw either one of these two cards, every other player in the game is adversely affected as their “fees” skyrocket to cover industry write-offs…

Every player pays out the booty and goes back 10 spaces!

Big Brother Steps In

(Hint: surely by this point you’ve figured out, The House always wins!)